Bring on Rio 2016!

Once every four years, the United States of America descends upon some unsuspecting country and, for about two weeks, proceeds to completely and utterly dominate the rest of the world in all that is sport. Just a few days ago, ‘Merica finished showing the world who was boss in London. From the grandeur of the opening ceremonies, complete with the majestic Parade of Nations and the iconic lighting of the Olympic Torch, to the triumphant playing of the Star-Spangled Banner (easily the best national anthem) after each of Team USA’s gold medal finishes, I slowly but surely came down with a heavy case of Olympic Fever. Night after night, as I watched Bob Costas (with the unfortunate “help” of Ryan Seacrest) break down each day’s action, I fell in love with the idea of being an Olympic athlete. So, I swore an unbreakable oath: I pinky-promised with myself that I would somehow, someway make it to Rio de Janeiro for the 2016 Olympics as a part of Team USA.

But how to get there? I figured that, since I am not in any way, shape, or form an elite athlete, that the easiest way to become an Olympian is to ride in on the coattails of others as the worst player in a team event. Let’s be real here: the goal is to be along for the ride as part of the Olympic experience, not to become an athletic god of Phelpsian or Gabby Douglas-like proportion. I figure that with a little less than 4 years until the next Games, I can practice enough and watch enough videotape to give myself a non-zero chance of making it as a part of Team USA. So I began my search for the path of least resistance.

Which team sport should I play? Gymnastics? I’m taller than Danny DeVito, but I’m just about as flexible – so that’s an obvious no. Track and field? I’m simply too…white. Swimming? But then I’d have to get my hair wet! Basketball, soccer, volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics? No, no, no, and no (although very fun to watch). And then, when I was fast-forwarding to watch Misty May and Kerri Walsh I stumbled across it: team handball.



It’s like a mix of soccer (with no feet), water polo (with no water), and basketball (with no hoop). And what’s more – the US is (comparatively) awful at it! It’s one of only three sports that we’ve never medaled in. Perfect, so now all that we (yes we, I’m going to be on the team) have to do is beat up on Antigua and Barbuda and some other island nations to qualify for Rio and then show up for the party with no expectations!

So now, I’ve circled the opening ceremonies date in 2016 on my calendar, I’ve bought my plane ticket to Rio, and I’ve begun to pack my bags – because you can never start too early. So I’m basically done, I need to practice my anthem-mumbling and then I’ll be set! There’s just one last little thing on my list: learn how to play.


One Response to Bring on Rio 2016!

  1. Handball is absolutely fascinating to watch. Really enjoyed it and the London 2012 Olympics. Roll on Rio!

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